Lucy Jane - forever in our hearts

Sweet Lulu.  I am your momma.  We were matched together about 7 weeks ago and already I love you as if you were born from my womb.  I have stared at your picture countless times and watched your sweet wave as you waved to me in a video more times than I can count.  Now, I had to take your pictures off the fridge through streaks of tears because the pain of looking at them is tearing your sister apart.  I can’t imagine how I’ll get through another day all because God decided today he would call you home to heaven.  Your life was too short.  I never saw this coming.  This was not in the cards.  Sweet girl, I’m mid plans to bring you home to meet your brothers and sister in a few short months.  Lulu, you have a mommy and daddy who have been praying and loving you from before you were born.  We started this journey with our current agency just 10 short days before you were born.  Sweet girl, ten months is not long enough.  We are devastated to lose a daughter and a sister.  While we never got to hug you, you have made a permanent place in our hearts.

Abigail’s cry all night has been why?  Why our sweet girl?  Why did she die before we could get her home? There’s even a handmade ornament on the tree with your name on it sweet Lucy.  I can only imagine that God really wanted you with Him.  I can’t even say your birth country failed you.  You were in such good hands.  I was so thankful to know how well you were cared for and loved.  Your medical records never indicated something like this could ever happen.  What went wrong?  Well, I guess God wanted Lucy for his own. 

We had decided to call you Lucy Jane but not without a lot of struggle and perhaps an intervention as is easier to see now.  I have not been shy with my favorite name for any little girl we brought home, Annabella.  I’ve wanted it since Abigail was born years ago.  For some reason, even as I fought for this name, deep down I knew it was not the name for you.  Since your given name had Lu in it, we’ve used the nickname Lulu for some time until we could decide on a name.  A few weeks back, Abigail was listening to the song title ‘LUCY’ by Skillet in the car.  After the song was over, without ever hearing Lucy as a name option, she said God spoke to her and told her to call her sister Lucy.  She cried through the song but was adamant that her sisters name was Lucy.  I actually had to hold back a laugh because the song is about a little girl Lucy who had died (by abortion but still so sad and how her parents mourned for her.)  Abigail agreed with me that the name Lucy based on that song was kind of sad and depressing.  Initially Russ and I thought perhaps Lucy was fitting in that Lucy’s birth mom must have loved her a lot to not have aborted her.  After a few more weeks of deliberation, we decided Lucy was the perfect name since we’ve been calling her Lulu for a month and a half already.  When I looked up Lucy, the name meant Light.  Jane (a combination of my mom’s name and my mother in laws name) was also fitting as it means God is Gracious.  

 As I write through tear streaked eyes, I want to be angry at someone or somewhere.  I can’t even do that.  You were in the best facility in your birth country and were so loved by your nannies and nurses.  I know they are grieving too as I grieve on the other side of the world.  They would have moved mountains to save you.  Sweet girl, as you now lay in the hands of Jesus, you know how much you are loved and how God needed you with Him.  I can’t even wrap my mind around why.  Is this all to prove an old point of contention I’ve discussed with God on many an occasion.  I can’t imagine a greater loss than losing a child and I can’t imagine surviving such a tragedy.  I told God this years ago when I almost lost Joshua.  God, please don’t ever take my children.  Well now He has allowed my worst nightmare to become a reality.  Is it crazy to feel as though I’ve lost a child when I have not had the opportunity to hug or see your beautiful face in person?  Even in the midst of this, I can still say God, you are gracious.  I can still say that I’m believing there is a plan here even when I can’t see past my own tears.  God, I’m still believing that you’ve taken us on this journey even through heart break.  A small piece of comfort from a wise friend tonight reminded me that so many orphans die in our world today and no one grieves their loss.  Lucy, your loss is being grieved.  While you were still technically an orphan the day you left this earth, you are eternally part of our family. 

Now as we grieve your death, I can’t help but feel like perhaps I should not have laughed at Abigail initially when she said God told her that her sisters name was Lucy through tears as she listened to the song ‘Lucy’.  Perhaps God was prompting her that our Lucy would end up being so similar to the Lucy in the song.  Lucy, a little girl that we never met, but you are loved and will be missed for our lifetime.

"Lucy"

Hey Lucy, I remember your name
I left a dozen roses on your grave today
I'm in the grass on my knees, wipe the leaves away
I just came to talk for a while
I got some things I need to say

[Chorus:]
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I'd give up all the world to see
That little piece of heaven looking back at me
Now that it's over
I just wanna hold her
I've gotta live with the choices i made
And I can't live with myself today

Hey Lucy, I remembered your birthday
They said it'd bring some closure to say your name
I know I'd do it all different if I had the chance
But all I got are these roses to give
And they can't help me make amends

[Chorus]

Here we are, now you're in my arms
I never wanted anything so bad
Here we are, for a brand new start
Living the life that we could've had

Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Just another moment in your eyes
I'll see you in another life
In heaven where we never say goodbye

Here we are, now you're in my arms
Here we are for a brand new start
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today

Me and Lucy walking hand in hand
Me and Lucy never wanna end
Got to live with the choices I've made
And I can't live with myself today

Hey Lucy, I remember your name